How daddy issues affected my life and how I’m moving on from it!

I’ve often wondered if not having a relationship with my father could cause so much unhappiness in my life. Most of the time, I blame myself. (I’ll get into the why in a minute.) Other times, I sit back and blame my mother, wondering “Dang, why couldn’t you meet my stepfather sooner so he could be my father, or just any other man.” I know the Bible says to honor thy mother and thy father but….. 🙄

I know I have to stop thinking that way because it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault he decided to do things to end up in jail, and not be apart of my life. I don’t know if he didn’t like me, if he has women issues, or what because he doesn’t treat his sons the way he’s treated me. It’s not my fault he couldn’t be the father I wanted him to be.  I have to realize these are decisions that he made, not me!

Oftentimes, okay a lot of the time,  I blame myself so much. I try to be the loving one. I try to play kumbya, bring peace to everyone and fix these issues alone. I end up putting myself in situations, and then it turns on me. Next, I’m the bad child. I’m the embarrassment to him. I’m a bitch. (Yup, I was called that several times.) Let me tell you, I cried! Yup, I’m over 30 years old, and I’m crying over a man who I want to be my dad. But just like a victim, I go back and take the verbal abuse again because I want him in my life! Sad…

No one can change a person and have them do or act in a way that they don’t see fit for themselves. I can’t make him be a dad to me if he doesn’t want to be. I can’t make him love me. I can’t make him call/text. I can’t make him want to spend time with me. I can’t make this man be who I want him to be. And that goes for anyone out there going through what I’m going through. He is who he is. I have to realize this, except it and deal with it or love him from a distance (which I’ve decided to do).

You maybe asking, Why’d it take me so long to finally realize? Or, why do I even care as an adult with my own family? As a woman, this issue has manifested itself in many ways throughout my life, as I struggled with low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. As a child, I watched television shows, seeing how fathers showered their daughters with tremendous amounts of attention, love and affection. I never got any of that from my dad. So, I convinced myself it was because I wasn’t cute enough. I hated the way I looked because I thought it caused my father’s disinterest in me. As I got older, my self-esteem plummeted and I was sure no man would ever find me attractive. So, I started looking for it through sex. I thought that was the only way a man would love or want me. I feared getting hurt. In the beginning of my marriage, I didn’t feel deserving and I tried to avoid happiness and live as much as possible. I felt my husband would walk out and not be in my life, as my father did, which would ultimately lead to heartbreak anyway.. (Man, he screwed my mind up